SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY

 THE NOTHING PERSON: Nothing People are passive, but can be task focused or people-focused depending on their intert-get it right or get along. When the intent to get along is threatened, shy people tend to with draw and become ever more passive. When get it right Nothing People see their quest for perfection thwarted, they get frustrated and withdraw, convinced that nothing will change the situation, no matter what they say or do. Although Nothing People seem to withdraw from conflict, inside they can be boiling cauldrons of hospility. Silence can be their form of aggression. Your goal with a Nothing Person is to break this silence and persuade him or her to talk. Here is a surefire five-step process to break your Nothing Person's silence Plan enough time. Dealing successfully with a Nothing Person may take a long time. If you're tense because of time constraints, you may be too intense to draw him or her out. The more intense you get, the deeper the Nothing Person withdraws i

 BRING OUT THE BEST IN MAYBE PERSON: Decisive people know that every decision has a downside and an upside and are able to weigh these possibilities as they make the best decision possible. Maybe People, by contrast, are unable to make decisions, especially when the consequences of their decisions could affect other people in a way that might lose them approval. So they put off the difficult decision, hoping that a better choice will come up. Unfortunately, with most decisions there comes a point when it's too late to choose the decision just happens. Maybe People have plenty of reasons for not get- ting help; they don't want to bother or upset anyone and they don't want to be the cause of anything going wrong. Your goal when dealing with a Maybe Person is to give him or her a strategy for making decisions and the motivation to use it. Here are five steps to bring out the best in your Maybe Person Establish a comfort zone. When you're dealing with people in the get alon

 BRING OUT THE BEST IN YES PERSON:   Yes People have a strong people focus and a weak task focus. They are extremely disorganized and frequently overcommit themselves as they try to run their lives based on the desires of other people. Sometimes they don't know how to follow through on something they've agreed to do; more often than not, they don't think about the consequences of what they're agreeing to do. Yes People feel terrible when they can't deliver something they've promised. Yet they rarely feel responsible, because they can always find circumstances beyond their control that have caused the trouble. Your goal with the Yes Person is to get commitments you can count on. Here are five steps to bringing out the best in the Yes Person. Make it safe to be honest. Through nonverbal blending and verbal reassurance, make sure your communication environment is safe, so that you and your Yes Person can honestly examine whether he or she will keep promises. As th

 BRING OUT THE BEST IN THE GRENADE:     When a person's efforts to get appreciation are thwarted by another's indifference, he or she may explode in a thinly disguised demand for attention. Losing emotional control is a defense strategy against the feeling of unimportance-a strategy frequently employed by the Grenade. If, as an adult in a group, you've ever lost control of yourself, you know how humiliating this can be. Grenades hate themselves for their behavior- but this self-hatred often becomes the timing device that provokes the next explosion. This volatile cycle can continue unchecked, meaning that an ounce of prevention can be worth far more than a pound of cure! Here are the five steps to bringing out the best in the Grenade. Get the Grenade's attention. This is the one time you may have to be louder than your problem person... but don't let it seem aggressive. Call his or her name loudly, but in a tone of voice that's intereşting rather than angry. Ai

 BRING OUT THE BEST IN THE THINK-THEY-KNOW -IT-ALL:    People who behave like Think-They-Know-It-Alls are driven by the need to get appreciation. When they feel slighted in any way, they're likely to try harder than ever to attract attention. Think-They- Know-It-Alls push their way into conversations where they may not be wanted. Your goal when dealing with Think-They-Know- It-All is to catch them in their act and give their bad ideas the hook. You'll be most successful if you can avoid putting the Think-They-Know-It-All on the defensive. Here's an action plan for bringing out the best in Think-They-Know-It-Alls. Give them a little attention . There are two ways to give a Think-They-Know-It-All attention. The first i to backtrack on his or her comments with enthusiasm. This lets the person know that you're paying attention (and it puts these types on the receiving end of their own foolishness). The second way is to acknowledge the person's positive intent, without w

 BRING OUT THE BEST IN THE KNOW-IT-ALL: Know-It-Alls are knowledgeable and extremely competent people, highly assertive and outspoken in their viewpoints. Their intent is to get it done in the way that they have determined is best, so they can be very controlling, with a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. Know-It-Alls perceive new ideas as challenges to their authority and knowledge and will rise to those challenges. They will do anything to avoid humiliation. Your goal with the Know-It-All is to open his or her mind to new information and ideas. But as we've seen, this isn't easy(!). With Know-It-Alls, it's next to impossible to get your two cents in. Be prepared and know your stuff. If there are any flaws in your thinking, Know-It-All radar will pick up on those shortcomings and use them to discredit your whole idea. In order to get a Know-It-All to consider your alternative, you must clearly think through your information beforehand and be ready to present i

  BRING OUT THE BEST IN THE SNIPER   When events don't go as planned or are obstructed by others, a get it done person may try to eliminate the opposition through sniping. Your goal when dealing with the Sniper is to bring him or her out of hiding. Since the Sniper's limited power is derived from covert operations, rather than overt, once you've exposed a Sniping position, that position becomes useless. Stop, look, backtrack. Since your goal is to bring the Sniper out of hiding, you must first zero in on his or her hiding place. If it seems that someone is taking shots at you, stop!-even in the middle of a sentence. Interrupting yourself brings attention to the Sniper, effectively blowing his or her cover. Look directly into the person's eyes for a moment, and then calmly backtrack his or her remark. Use searchlight questions. Now it's time to turn on the searchlight, asking a question to draw the Sniper out and expose his or her behavior. The two best questions are

 BRING OUT THE BEST IN THE TANK The aggressive behavior is meant to either shove you back on course or eliminate the obstacle that you represent. Your goal must be to command respect, because Tanks simply don't attack people they respect. Aggressive people require assertive reactions. Here's a five-step action plan that will send a clear signal that you are strong and capable. Hold your ground . Stay put. Don't change your position and don't go on either the offensive or the defensive. Wait until the attack is over, then tell the Tank what you're going to do about it (even if it means walking away)-and do it. Other times, you may need to proceed to the next step. Interrupt the attack. Say the person's name over and over until you have his or her full attention. Once you've begun this step, don't back of Aggressive people like assertive people who stand up for themselves, as long as this isn't perceived as an attack. Keep your voice volume at 75% of t

 PROJECT AND EXPECT THE BEST    The difficult behavior of problem people is often reinforced, and even escalated, by thoughtless and/or negative reactions from people around them. So if you want to have a positive influence, thoughtful responses are required. It's in your interest to give difficult people the benefit of the doubt. It's also in your interest to help them break their reliance on negative behaviors and reinforce more constructive behaviors. If you do this habitually, a difficult person may come to see you as an ally rather than an enemy and be all the more ready to fulfill your positive expectations. The power of expectations can't be underestimated. We call this phenomenon Pygmalion Power If you tell people you have high expectations of them, they will not deny it. They will in fact take a step in that direction. But conversely, if you let it be known that you have low expectations, these will most likely be fulfilled, as well. When your problem person is eng

 SPEAK TO BE UNDERSTOOD     When you express yourself, it's important to do so in ways that produce positive effects. The signals, symbols, and suggestions that constitute our communication output pro- vide a profound opportunity to influence relation- ships for the better. Here are six effective techniques. Monitor your tone of voice . Your tone sends people either a positive or a negative message. Even when you choose your words well, if your tone of voice is hurried, hostile, or defensive, people may hear something very different from what you intended. Mixed messages , caused by voice tones that don't match spoken words, cause miscommunications. If you hear yourself sending a mixed message. call attention to it and explain what you're really saying: "I know I sound angry, but that is because this issue is so important to me." State your key intent. Articulating your key intent lets people know where you're coming from. When your key intent is implied rath

 REACH A DEEPER UNDERSTANDING   Sometimes the most important and useful aspects of communication are hidden-not just from the listener, but also from the speaker. When you identify the elements driving the difficult person, you reach a deeper understanding of that person's needs and intent. Identifying the intent is an important first step to understanding your difficult person. You can apply the blending strategy to the four intents to increase cooperation and decrease misunderstanding. For example:  If you're dealing with someone whose top priority appears to be to get it done, your communications with him or her should be brief and to the point. If you're dealing with someone whose top priority appears to be to get it right, you should pay great attention to the details in your communications. If you're dealing with someone whose top priority appears to be to get along with you, use considerate communications to demonstrate your interest in him or her. If you're

LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND   When people express themselves verbally, they generally want evidence of at least two things: they've been heard and they've been understood. A good communicator tries first to be a good listener. We advocate five steps toward good listening. The first step toward good listening-introduced in the last lesson-is blending. How does someone know that you're listening and understanding? In essence, it's through the way you look and sound while they're talking. Rather than distracting a difficult person with puzzled looks, interruptions, or statements of disagreements, help him or her to fully express his or her thoughts and feelings. You do this by nodding your head in agreement, making occasional sounds of understanding. Everything about you, from body posture to voice volume, must give the impression that you hear and understand. When your problem person begins to repeat what's already been said, it's a signal to move to step two backtra

 REDUCE DIFFERENCES: What makes some people so easy to relate to and others so difficult? We argue that conflict in a relationship occurs when the emphasis is on the differences, rather than on the similarities. Think of it as "United we stand, divided we can't stand each other." So reducing differences is essential to dealing with people you can't stand. Success in communication depends on finding common ground, and then trying to redirect the interaction toward a new outcome . Two essential communication skills will help you reduce differences: blending and redirecting "Blending" refers to behavior by which you reduce the differences between yourself and another person. "Redirecting is any behavior by which you use a growing rapport to change the trajectory of your interactions. These skills are not new, of course; they are part of normal human contact. In fact, you already use them, to some extent. You can (and probably do) blend with people in many

RECOGNIZATION OF INTENSIONS OF THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE  The four intents-get it done, get it right, get along, and get appreciated-have their time and place in our lives. The priority of those intents can shift from moment to moment. We normally balance them, for more success and less stress. But what happens when a person's intent is not met? Let's look at each of the four intents and the results when those intents are threatened. ■When people want to get it done and fear that it's not getting done, their behavior becomes more controlling. They try to take over and push ahead. ■When people want to get it right and fear that it will be done wrong, their behavior becomes more perfectionistic. They find every flaw and potential error. ■When people want to get along and fear that they will be left out, their behavior becomes more approval seeking. They begin sacrificing their personal needs to please others. ■When people want to get appreciation and fear they're failing at th

 UNDERSTAND THE FOURTH INTENSION  GET APPRECIATED: This fourth intent requires a higher level of assertiveness, as well as a people focus, in order to be seen, heard, and recognized. The desire to con- tribute to others and be appreciated for it is one of the most powerful motivators. Studies show that people who love their jobs as well as husbands and wives who are happily married-feel appreciated for who they are and what they do. When the intent to get appreciated becomes distorted, the lack of positive feedback combines in a person's mind with the reactions, comments, and facial expressions of others and the person tends to take it personally. The intent to get appreciation intensifies in direct proportion to the lack of appreciative feedback and the problem behavior becomes increasingly aimed at getting attention. The three most difficult attention-getting behaviors that result from the desire to get appreciation are the Grenade, the Sniper, and the Think-They-Know-It-All. The

  UNDERSTAND THE THIRD INTENSION GET IT DONE : A third 'intent is to get along with other people. This is necessary if you want to create and develop relationships. When there are people with whom you want to get along, you may be less assertive as you consider their needs and interests above your own. In other words, personal desires are of lesser importance than the intent to get along with another person. The problem is that when people who are focused on getting along with others are uncertain about how others feel about them, they tend to take reactions, comments, and facial expressions person- ally. Behavior becomes increasingly geared toward gaining approval and avoiding disapproval. The three most difficult approval-seeking behaviors are the passive Nothing Person, the wishy-washy Yes Person, and the indecisive Maybe Person. The Nothing Person. Timid, uncomfortable, and uncertain, get along Nothing People excel at tongue-biting. Since they don't have anything nice to s

 UNDERSTAND THE SECOND INTENSION GET IT RIGHT: Getting it right is another task-focused intent that influences behavior. Have you ever sought to avoid a mistake by doing everything possible to prevent it from happening? When getting it right is your highest priority, you slow things down enough to see the details. You probably take a good, long look before leaping-if you ever leap at all. You may avoid taking any action because you feel unsure about what might happen as a result. When the intent to get it right becomes thwarted or threatened, everything around this person begins to seem haphazard and careless. To add insult to injury, people seem to address these concerns with increasingly fuzzy terms. When sufficient intensity is reached, the result is increasingly pessimistic and perfectionist. The Whiner, the No Person, and the Nothing Person all exemplify this behavior. The Whiner. In our imperfect world, the Whiner believes that he or she is powerless to create change. Burdened an

 UNDERSTAND THE FIRST INTENT    GET IT DONE: Have you ever needed to get something done, finished, and behind you? When you need to get it done, you focus on the task at hand. And when you really need to get it done, you speed things up. focus on action, and assert yourself. You may even become careless and aggressive, leaping before you look or speaking without thinking. The people around you become peripheral. When this attempt to get things done is frustrated, it can distort people's perceptions of a given situation. Suddenly, others appear to be wasting time, going off on tangents, or just plain taking too long. The intent increases in intensity and the subsequent behavior becomes more controlling. The Tank . On a mission to get things done, the Tank is unable to slow down and may push you around or run right over you in the process. The Tank has no inhibitions about ripping you apart personally, yet it's nothing personal: you just happened to get in the way. In an effort t

  UNDERSTAND THE FOUR INTENTS   The first step in changing your attitude toward the 10 most unwanted behaviors is to understand them. The key is the four intentions with which people respond to situations and in two variables: assertiveness level and focus of attention. People range from passive (less assertive) to aggressive (more assertive). The assertiveness level is often influenced by the situation: during times of challenge, difficulty, or stress, people tend to move out of their normal "comfort zone" and become either more passive or more aggressive. We each have a comfort zone of normal-more or less acceptable-behavior that challenges, difficulty, or stress can cause us to leave for a zone of exaggerated-or problem-behavior. Every behavior (whether acceptable or problem) has a primary intent or purpose that it's trying to accomplish. We've identified four general intents that determine how people will react in any situation like, get the task done, get the tas

CHOOSE YOUR APPROACH     Before we go any further, we need to stress the fact that there are at least four choices when dealing with people you can't stand. There's no magic formula; you are the best judge of which choice is right in any particular situation-although, as you'll see, we believe the first of these four choices is in fact a non-choice. Stay and do nothing . Doing nothing is not necessarily complete passivity; it may include both suffering and complaining to other people who can do nothing. Doing nothing is dangerous, because frustration with difficult people tends to build up and get worse over time. And complaining to people who can do nothing tends to lower morale and productivity, while postponing effective action. Vote with your feet . Sometimes, your best option is to walk away. Not all situations are resolvable and some are just not worth resolving. Voting with your feet makes sense when it no longer makes any sense to continue to deal with the person. I

  DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE       DIFFICULT PEOPLE : they're those people you can't stand and who don't do what you want them to do or what you want to do ---- and you don't know what to do about them! RECOGNIZED THE UNWANTED BEHAVIOUR: The tank: Pushy and ruthless , loud and force-full, or with the quiet intensity and surgical precision of a laser ,the tank assumes that the end justifies the means. if you are in the way: you'll be eliminated. The sniper : This covert operator resents you for some reason. Instead of getting mad, he or she gets even by identifying your weaknesses and using them against you , through sabotage , gossip and putdowns. The grenade : This person explodes in tantrums that seem disproportionate to the present circumstances, sending others ducking for cover and wondering what it's all about. The Know-It-All: This person knows 98% of everything. (Just ask!) Know-It-Alls will tell you what they know-for hours at a time! but won't t