LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND WHILE COMMUNICATING WITH PEOPLE

LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND

 
When people express themselves verbally, they generally want evidence of at least two things: they've been heard and they've been understood. A good communicator tries first to be a good listener. We advocate five steps toward good listening.

The first step toward good listening-introduced in the last lesson-is blending. How does someone know that you're listening and understanding? In essence, it's through the way you look and sound while they're talking. Rather than distracting a difficult person with puzzled looks, interruptions, or statements of disagreements, help him or her to fully express his or her thoughts and feelings. You do this by nodding your head in agreement, making occasional sounds of understanding. Everything about you, from body posture to voice volume, must give the impression that you hear and understand.
When your problem person begins to repeat what's already been said, it's a signal to move to step two backtracking. This involves repeating barik some of the actual words that another person is using, sending a clear signal that you're listening and that you think what the other person is saying is important. Translating or rephrasing what they have said is counterproductive and may create the impression that you haven't understood what's been said.

Having heard what the difficult person has to say, the next step is clarifying. At this point, you start to gather information about the meaning of what is being communicated. Ask some open-ended questions, which will allow you to figure out why the person is being difficult and what intent he or she is hoping to satisfy with that behavior.

It isn't always possible to understand why some- one is upset. Emotions so cloud the reasoning capabilities of many people that their intelligence effectively becomes disconnected from their feelings. While it's virtually impossible to reason with an emotional person, it's still possible to look and sound like you understand, backtrack what you've heard, and then become curious enough to ask questions.

The fourth step is to summarize what you've heard. This allows you to make sure that both you and your difficult person are on the same page When you do this, two things happen. First, if you've missed something, he or she can fill in the details. Second, you've demonstrated, yet again, that you're making a serious effort to fully under stand. This increases the likelihood of gaining cooperation from that person down the line.

Having listened carefully, you've now arrived at a crucial juncture, But before you move on, confirm with the person that he or she feels satisfied that his or her problem has been fully voiced. Ask if he or she feels understood. Ask if there's anything else that needs to be put on the table. When enough sincere listening, questioning, caring, and remembering are brought together, understanding is usually achieved and a difficult person becomes less difficult and more cooperative.

"When two or more people want to be heard and no one is willing to listen, an argument is inevitable. Listen and understand first, and you unlock the doors to people's minds."

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