IDEAS TO APPROACH PEOPLE

CHOOSE YOUR APPROACH 


 

Before we go any further, we need to stress the fact that there are at least four choices when dealing with people you can't stand. There's no magic formula; you are the best judge of which choice is right in any particular situation-although, as you'll see, we believe the first of these four choices is in fact a non-choice.

Stay and do nothing. Doing nothing is not necessarily complete passivity; it may include both suffering and complaining to other people who can do nothing. Doing nothing is dangerous, because frustration with difficult people tends to build up and get worse over time. And complaining to people who can do nothing tends to lower morale and productivity, while postponing effective action.

Vote with your feet. Sometimes, your best option is to walk away. Not all situations are resolvable and some are just not worth resolving. Voting with your feet makes sense when it no longer makes any sense to continue to deal with the person. If the situation is deteriorating, if everything you say or do makes matters worse, and if you find yourself losing control, remember that discretion is the better part of valor. Then walk away. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Before you decide to walk, however, you may want to consider your two other choices.

Change your attitude. Even if the difficult person continues to engage in the difficult behavior, you can learn to see the person differently, listen to the person differently, and feel differently about the per- son. There are attitudinal changes that you can make in yourself that will set you free from your reactions to problem people.

Change your behavior. When you change the way you deal with difficult people, they have to learn new ways to deal with you. There are effective, learnable strategies for dealing with most problem behaviors. That's what this book is about.

Realize that difficult behaviors fit into types, but each situation is different: You need to decide what kind of response is called for in each situation.

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