SPEAKING TO UNDERSTAND WHILE DEALING WITH PEOPLE

 SPEAK TO BE UNDERSTOOD 

 
 When you express yourself, it's important to do so in ways that produce positive effects. The signals, symbols, and suggestions that constitute our communication output pro- vide a profound opportunity to influence relation- ships for the better. Here are six effective techniques.

Monitor your tone of voice. Your tone sends people either a positive or a negative message. Even when you choose your words well, if your tone of voice is hurried, hostile, or defensive, people may hear something very different from what you intended.

Mixed messages, caused by voice tones that don't match spoken words, cause miscommunications. If you hear yourself sending a mixed message. call attention to it and explain what you're really saying: "I know I sound angry, but that is because this issue is so important to me."

State your key intent. Articulating your key intent lets people know where you're coming from. When your key intent is implied rather than stated clearly, misunderstanding can result. Telling people why you're telling them something before you actually tell them is a simple way to direct attention where you want it to go.

Tactfully interrupt. There are occasions when it is necessary to interrupt a difficult person. If someone is yelling at you, dominating a meeting, or com- plaining in endless cycles of negativity, an interruption may be an elegant solution. Done carefully, it can also be tactful.
A tactful interruption is done without anger, without blame, and without fear. Just say the difficult person's name over and over, in a matter-of-fact way, until you get his or her attention. These repetitions create an irresistible force that so distracts Tanks, Know-It-Alls, Grenades, or Whiners that they must stop talking to find out what you want.

Tell your truth. Honesty can be effective, no matter what difficult behavior a person engages in, if you're honest in a way that builds someone up rather than tears him or her down. Remember to tell the person why you are telling your truth before you actually tell it State your positive intent and why you think it's in the person's interest to hear what you have to say. Be sure to point out that it's your opinion. Then be specific about the problem behavior, show how the behavior defeats his or her intent, and suggest new behaviors to replace the old ones.

Stay flexible. If your problem person becomes defensive, be willing to temporarily drop what you're saying to focus on his or her reaction. Do your best to fully understand any objections by backtracking, clarifying, summarizing, and confirming. This may seem time- consuming, but overall, it takes less energy than an adversarial conversation that goes nowhere.

"What you say to people can produce defensiveness or trust, increase resistance or cooperation, promote conflict or understanding."


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